sparkly but not shiny

Sparkly but not shiny.
One of the things I struggle with in life is basing my self worth on the opinions of others. This causes me to occasionally behave erratically, as my room mates , boyfriend and family well know. I am good, really good, at behaving and interacting on a surface level. Small talk, networking, friendships. Making the initial contact is not a problem for me. Since I’ve come to college, the parts of me that are, you know… “me” have been objected to in some form or another. Loud and brash, musically inclined, speaking my mind.. they’ve either hurt a friend, caused a misunderstanding, or displeased someone in some way or another. The negative reaction against the very fibers of my being coming from people I respect(ed) and trust(ed) was really painful. It caused me to grow a protective shell around myself – one that is happy and good natured and well mannered and whatever you want it to be on the outside. Shiny like a Barbie doll never removed from its plastic enclosure. Perfect looking. No blemishes, no mistakes.
You see, I am afraid. Deeply, intensely afraid, that if my packaging is removed, if I’m played with and experienced and exposed to the outside… then the shiny and new will wear off, and my value will dimenish. i went through this with nick. He was enamored with me through the beginning stages of our relationship – let’s call it infatuation (and I with him!) he did not see my flaws. I loved this feeling (naturally!) but was dreading the day when he would see me for who I really was: human. Flawed. Imperfect… and then he wouldn’t like me as much, and I would get tossed aside.
It’s been almost a year since we first started casually dating – that story is for another time! – and the official relationship clock says nearly 9 months have passed since the evening of August the 18th, 2007. I confessed my fears of the “new” wearing off to Nicholas, saying “ I am afraid I won’t be shiny and sparkly and new anymore, that you are tired of me.” He looked surprised, then grinned. “Shiny, no. Sparkly, yes. Always.”
I was ruminating on his answer during my 5 hour trek to Huntington College last weekend, and was reminded of the Velveteen Rabbit. Yes, a children’s tale, but even if you only know me on the surface, kid’s books are most definitely my thing. The gist of the story is that the stuffed rabbit is given to a child as a Christmas present. The rabbit eventually learns that Love, being Real, is in the eye of the one who loves you best… that it doesn’t matter who you look on the outside. Ah yes. A happy ending.

A catch up on my life blog will come sooner or later 

*fin*